Never will I, Tiny Wight, advocate the use or proliferation of sugar substitutes – that crap will never be able to take the place of good old fashion exercise. Calories can be burned in many fun and interesting ways. Here are a few activity suggestions and their associated caloric values that may help the old you become the new you:


Activity/Approx. Calories Burned:

* Brushing your teeth (I’m begging you to start here): 20 calories

* Killing a zombie: 15 calories (efficiently), 200+ calories (struggling to avoid being bitten/eaten, then killing zombie)

* 30 Minutes of practice-killing melons: 260 calories

* 60 Minutes of sexual intercourse: 2-1000+ calories (style-dependent)

* Struggling to escape from quicksand: 300+ calories

* Wrestling an alligator/human hybrid (assuming alligator feet/human hands): 250 calories (average/land), 1000 calories (average/piranha infested water)

* Dancing through an entire Deadites live set: 460 calories

* Telling a far-fetched, over-embellished version of a monster-hunting exploit: 10 calories (normal), 200 calories (with grandiose hand-gestures and spirited reenactments)

* Drop-kicking a demon hellbeast through an interdimensional portal a split second before it closes forever, thereby delivering it back to the hoary netherworld from whence it came for all eternity: 40 calories

* Waking up to find you’ve been buried alive, screaming for 20 minutes, eventually clawing, smashing and chewing your way out of the coffin, then digging your way through 6’ of freshly packed soil to sunlight – glorious sunlight – you thought you’d never see it again: 2500 calories (highly recommended weight-loss exercise)

* 60 Minutes of knitting: 150 calories (standard), 160 calories (macramé)

Wow! Here I’ve selflessly detailed for you a handful of calorie-burning, muscle-ripping exercises and activities to get you in the best shape of your life. At absolutely no up-front cost to you I’ve created a road map from the old you to the new, sexier, more confident and more efficient monster-hunting you. With only 20-1440 minutes of exercise a day and a sensible meal plan, you can lose that extra 15 pounds in just a few short weeks and become a 10% better monster hunter than you are today.

"I guarantee it"*

Take it from me – I’ve devoted my entire life to preventing people just like you from becoming zombies and/or ignorant assholes. “It’s what I do.” – Tiny Wight © 2007

* Guarantees that appear in any content of any section of The Deadites official website, whether stated explicitly or merely implied, shall in no way provide causation for litigation or ill-tempered reponse due to lack of fulfillment of said guarantee. Additionally, all guarantees/warranties that appear on The Deadites official website shall be null and void immediately upon being viewed by the reader. For more information about this or other The Deadites policies, please contact This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it .

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