|You’d Be a 10% Better Monster Hunter if You Lost 15 Pounds|
|Written by Tiny Wight|
I’ll admit that from time to time I indulge in a 5 scoop ice cream sundae with all the fixin’s. I’ll readily admit that. Sweets are really just so great. They provide a terrific pick-me-up when you’re feeling oh-so-blue, don’t they? Problem is, though, you’ve been having a few too many. Not for nothing, but I’m just saying – you’d be a 10% better monster hunter if you lost about 15 pounds.
Never will I, Tiny Wight, advocate the use or proliferation of sugar substitutes – that crap will never be able to take the place of good old fashion exercise. Calories can be burned in many fun and interesting ways. Here are a few activity suggestions and their associated caloric values that may help the old you become the new you:
* 30 Minutes of practice-killing melons: 260 calories
* Waking up to find you’ve been buried alive, screaming for 20 minutes, eventually clawing, smashing and chewing your way out of the coffin, then digging your way through 6’ of freshly packed soil to sunlight – glorious sunlight – you thought you’d never see it again: 2500 calories (highly recommended weight-loss exercise)
* 60 Minutes of knitting: 150 calories (standard), 160 calories (macramé)
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I'm friggin' pissed!
Someone ate my last half gallon of vanilla bean ice cream that I had in the sub-zero walk-in freezer. It was clearly labeled "TINY WIGHT's VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM, ASSHOLE. NO TOUCHY."
I just got back from the grocery store with all these sundae fixin's and now I'm standing here with MUD on my face. Whoever took that ice cream, I swear to you "I will punch your fucking lights out".