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A Breath Mint Wouldn't Hurt
Written by Tiny Wight   

Hi friend, welcome aboard. Killing all those zombies with you today was really great - it really was. What's that? Oh, no - I'm not sad, but thanks for asking. Actually, my eyes are watering from your body odor.

Phew! I thought those zombies would get us fer shur!I know there wasn't much action at your last job - desk work mostly, right? Computer stuff... yeah. Not going to work up much of a sweat clicking and clacking keys all day. But slashing your way through a crowd of brain-starved zombies? That's enough to saturate your sweatshirt! I mean, saturate "a" sweatshirt... Any sweatshirt. Whatever.

Now seeing that it's your first day, I thought I'd fill you in on a couple things you learn "along the way". Trust me - I smell much better than you right now.

First off you've got to get rid of the Old Spice or whatever deodorant you're using and step up to something that's going to give you long-lasting odor and wetness protection. Laugh if you will, but a stick of Mitchum won't let you down. Hm? Do I use... Oh, no. No, no. No, no no no no. It's strictly the Axe Effect for Tiny Wight. I just recommend Mitchum because it's able to control even the worst sweat and the foulest odor. I think you'd really like it a lot.

I'm sorry - I don't mean to make it seem like it's a big deal or anything. You just seem like a nice person is all and I'm sure it would hurt your feelings if everyone around you started throwing up all over the place because of your horriffic, hellish armpit stench.

It's important to know about these things, friend - you know how people talk. Anyway, now you do know. And knowing is better than being an ignorant asshole.

Oh, also? A breath mint wouldn't hurt.





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I'm friggin' pissed! 

 

Someone ate my last half gallon of vanilla bean ice cream that I had in the sub-zero walk-in freezer. It was clearly labeled "TINY WIGHT's VANILLA BEAN ICE CREAM, ASSHOLE. NO TOUCHY." 

 

I just got back from the grocery store with all these sundae fixin's and now I'm standing here with MUD on my face. Whoever took that ice cream, I swear to you "I will punch your fucking lights out".


 
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Special Powers:: Biting wit, scalding sarcasm, and a cunning linguist

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